turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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