I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
