I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Randomize
