can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
