I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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