it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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