...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
The best revenge is premature balding
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
In other news, I just burned my penis
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
