I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
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he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
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My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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