my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Randomize
