I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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