I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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