My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
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