i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
