I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
