woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
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