Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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