Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
