I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
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