my phone needs a breathalizer
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
