he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
