the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
