You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
