we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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