My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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