You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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