I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
