I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Can I color on your dick again?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
