Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
