I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
