Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
