i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
