I CAN MOONWALK!
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Randomize
