My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
