I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
