My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
