I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.