it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
