Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
