Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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