her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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