when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
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he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
We are all done wearing pants today
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
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