this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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