Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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