the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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