im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
