I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
