OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
