I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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