I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
