Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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