Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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