apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
