and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
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I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
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Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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