You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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