I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Randomize
