Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
