When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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