My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
