Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
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