Cold hands, warm shart.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
