I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
