I'm lost and stupid without you.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
